The goal of the Austin Black Social Club is to unite all Black kinksters in Austin. That means, we are a very diverse group of people comprised of different backgrounds from different locations of different ages and at different points in their lives. With such a diverse community, we are bound to have some interpersonal issues. As such, we have devised the following Community Guidelines for everyone to follow when interacting with the club and other members, both online and offline.

As an adult oriented club, we cannot overstate the importance of verbal consent. We all need to ask for consent before interacting with other members in any way that could impose on their private space or privacy. Consent should be asked for and given verbally.

No one should take non-verbal cues as a form of consent. If someone is not comfortable enough to give a verbal “yes” then they are not comfortable enough to consent. And if you are not comfortable enough to verbally ask someone if something is ok then you are not ready to do that action.

Properly communicating with others is often much harder than just doing an action so people often prefer to act rather than ask. But if you are doing something or having something done to you that you cannot bring yourself to talk about then you are operating in an unhealthy manner. We should all strive to operate in healthy ways that can benefit us and the people we interact with.

At times you may see people with established relationships act without hearing a verbal consent. These people are operating under pre-established consent. DO NOT attempt to emulate their actions with anyone who you do not have pre-established consent to interact with.

We all want respect and we require everyone in this group to be respectful to one another. That means not invading people’s private spaces, not interrupting people who are speaking or having separate conversations, not misrepresenting who you are or the situation that you are in, etc.

The golden rule applies best here: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So long as we all can do that then we shouldn’t have any problems.

We have leaders in this club to ensure its growth and continual existence. As such, all members should respect and follow any rules that leaders (or event hosts) set. Members should also adhere to the instructions of leaders when given.

Leaders, in turn, are expected to operate honorably and respectfully in their role. We take the abuse of power very seriously and will quickly address any issues where someone in leadership has committed such an offense.

Any members who have an issue or complaint about other members or the club as a whole should reach out to leadership for assistance. This can be done by direct messaging a leader in discord, reaching out to a leader in person at an event, or by emailing admin@austin.blacksocial.club.

We will handle issues on a case-by-case basis. Once an issue is brought to our attention, we will review it and determine next steps. For some issues we will suggest having a remediation / reconciliation session with all parties and a leader acting as mediator.

If warranted we will issue official warnings, discord timeouts, specific event bans, and other disciplinary actions to offending parties. Repeat offenses will result in removal from the group. Generally, we operate on a three strikes policy but exceptions maybe be made in extreme cases.

In addition to the above guidelines, we also recommend that all members attempt to adopt the following communication strategies. All of these strategies are commonly associated with elevated levels of emotional intelligence and can be very difficult to adopt. But those who can learn to use these tricks will be able to better communicate with everyone in their lives, including the people in this group.

We should all strive to assume that the person who is speaking to us has good intentions and that their actions / words are not meant to do harm to us. As such, when someone’s actions or words have caused us to feel a minor offense we should take a moment to pause and resist the urge to lash out in defense. We should then take the opportunity to try to understand what was intended by the action or statement. This part is covered in the next recommendation.

Not that this only applies to minor (and some medium) offenses. Larger, more grievous offenses should be reported to leadership so that we can handle them. If you are not certain how grievous an offense is then consult leadership or a trusted member of the group.

The bulk of conflicts are the result of misunderstandings. With different backgrounds, cultures, and experiences it is easy to get into a situation where one party believes their actions to be “normal” or their words to be “benign” while the other party may take offense to them. Attempting to understand a misunderstanding can create an opportunity of growth for both parties involved.

This requires the offended party to assume that the other party is acting with good intentions and attempt to communicate with them to clarify what has occurred. This can be done by pausing briefly before asking the other party what they meant by what they said or did. Generally, the offended party should inform the other party of how they interpreted the statement or action to make any misunderstanding clear. The other party can then clarify what their intent was, and it is up to the offended party to choose to believe the clarification or not.

Even if the clarification is not believable in all situations, practicing this process can help avoid large conflicts started by minor misunderstandings.

We are all familiar with the concept of fight or flight. As a result, when we are in a challenging situation we instinctively feel like we need to choose one of those options. However, most social situations do not warrant that level of survival instinct.

If you feel challenged, attacked, or insulted in a social situation it is completely acceptable to simply remove yourself from that situation. This can be done in a number of ways. You can completely walk away from the place where the conversation is happening, choose to simply stop speaking with the offensive party, and / or consult with someone you trust (or a member leadership) to have a separate discussion about what has just occurred.

We don’t believe that everyone in this group should get along with everyone else, that is not realistic. But we want to encourage everyone to not blow up the entire scene by engaging in a heated fight and to not feel like you need to leave the group because you don’t get along with a single individual.

This is the hardest of the recommendations as this step takes a good deal of effort and often does not have any obvious value to be gained.

In most cases after we disagree or argue with someone we just want to move on and forget it even happened. In the heat of the moment this is a good decision but we tend to carry around lingering feelings and frustrations from the argument that go unaddressed because we choose to just “move on”.

By taking the time to truly reconcile with those who have offended us, we create an opportunity to actually heal from the damage that was caused. Those who choose reconciliation must honestly seek to reconcile: to air grievances, hear out the other party, and seek mutual forgiveness. This is NOT an option for those who want vindication or just want to hear that they were right. Those seeking reconciliation have to be ready to accept the possibility that they may have been wrong.

This process is about seeking catharsis, an emotional easement, not justice or validation. For that reason alone, it is not something that people can easily do as there is no guarantee that you will come out of it feeling pumped up. But, if done right, you will come out of it feeling at peace with a sense of growth.